9.26.2009

DOUBT

Doubt is a very powerful thing. It can be good: I firmly believe that no harm can come from a willingness to question things. On the contrary; one of the greatest dangers in life is just going along; refusing to let yourself challenge what you know.

But doubt can also be harmful. Especially when you make a habit of doubting yourself.

I have always been a glass-half-empty kind of person. Whenever I do things that are difficult, there are these voices in my head whispering: "you're not good enough", "you cannot possibly go that far -- do that much"...

Since Evie, that's changed. I mean, since Evie everything has changed: but THIS, this I never thought would change. I have been battling self doubt my whole life. There is only one possible explanation for this. Evie is my Horcrux. When I had her, my soul split... and now there is nothing I cannot do.

Something more powerful than doubt: being a mother.

And the leaves are changing which means that I get to drive to school through fiery tunnels and it is beautiful and all is right in the world.

Here is little Miss playing airplane on Mommy's legs during a picnic on Friday.


I know what you are all thinking: "That is not Evie. That is GRAHAM. It has to be Graham." and although I have this very same thought at least seventeen times in any given day: no, it is not Graham, it is my baby daughter. I know this because Graham is much too big to play airplane on my legs.

6 comments:

Just the two of us! said...

First of all: WAY TO GO using a Harry Potter reference! You are my hero.
Evie is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO cute she is getting so big!!!!

Andrea said...

She's so beautiful Ash... just like her mom!

cindy said...

You hit the nail on the head because becoming a mom makes you a superhero. I remember once while taking a walk with my 3 girls a dog came running as if to attack. I pushed the girls behind me and knew, without a doubt, that if that dog attacked I would rip him apart with my bare hands. I had no doubt I would succeed because I was a mom protecting my young. Thanks goodness I never had to find out, since the dog got called back by his owner before he did anything. It's been 15 years and I still laugh at myself but I still believe I could have done it.

Anonymous said...

She just gets better and better! I can't wait to see her again the next time you are home!

Chai Am Woman said...

ummmm i LOVE the horcrux metaphor. perfect! and so true to the way it feels when you become a mama

bri. said...

why are you so funny? i just love it. and i love your baby, your precious little baby in the sky.

i love you. bri