As any of you who have ever had the pleasure of pumping breast-milk know, it is a process that requires tools. I mean more tools than a Home Depot. More tools than a Home Depot that just won a high-stakes-poker-game with a Lowe's.
There's the actual pump...then you need what I like to call the trumpets...and the bottles to attach to the trumpets...and tops for the bottles. Our trip to Alabama last week was going to be more than a 3-bottle trip (When you have a baby, hours start to lose their meaning. Time starts being gauged in terms of how many bottles or feedings your baby will require while you are away.) so we had to take the pump. While we were at Mama Hazel's and everyone was taking pictures, I excused myself to go to the restroom and pump some milk. Except that when I got to the bathroom and rifled through my bag I realized...no, it couldn't be...I am not that stupid. Oh yes. I am.
I forgot the trumpets.
No worries, I tell myself, breast-pumps have only been around about 60 years...so how did people do this before then? Well, they breast-fed. The only problem there is that, for the past week, whenever Evie so much as sees my boob she screams bloody murder (it does WONDERS for my self esteem).
So I channel my inner cave woman and I express. By. Hand.
If someone had told me ten years ago that on one humid, lowly day in August of 2009 I'd be hunched over a toilet in a nursing home bathroom, giving myself the purple-nurple of the century, I probably would have choked to death on my own laugh. Four ounces later and I have found success. My child will not starve today! And let me tell you, I haven't had a hand cramp like that since the verbal portion of the SAT.
8 comments:
Ashley, I don't believe I've laughed that hard at one of your posts in a while! You are one talented writer! :)
I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard LOL! I am very sorry to hear about the purple nurple LOL but man... hahahaha!
You are truly a Super Mom and hilarious to boot!
Well, if medicine in the form of laughter is what I needed tonight, you certainly provided that, my darling daughter! Oh, I have laughed and laughed and laughed yet some more! You GO GIRL! Kudos to the Purple Nurple and lots of hand cramps! YOU ROCK!!!
W.O.W. For lack of a better word Badassness rating has gone up about 100%! I do not know how you did that! Way To Go! My "nips" hurt thinking about it! LOL! Hope that you have recovered since then!
This post brings back a particularly bad memory for me: a few days after I went back to work, I left the trumpets and had to manually milk the girls. Only I opted to just do the bare minimum during my planning period to keep myself from literally exploding all over my classroom. Major props for getting the whole 4 oz!
First of all, I actually got a phone call from Elisha Morton, requiring me to get on your blog to read this amazing blog post. Second, do not feel alone. I've purple-nurpled myself as well. It's an experience every new mom should have. Third, thanks for writing it down and sharing it, because it's a lot funnier to read about someone else experiencing it than thinking about your own experience.
You are hilarious and a great mom!
Lady you're hilarious! I completely love hearing about your life and the adventures of Momma Ash and Evie. She's a DOLL, totally gorgeous! miss you!
Post a Comment